International Women’s Day last year, I was featured in the Observer as one of the top thirty radical women to look out for of 2008. I thought it was funny at the time- what have I ever done, I said to me-self..?
A year on, I look back at my life since to feel ashamed but not suprised at how un-radical my life has been. But what is worse, is how I allowed myself to live a life that is not mine and to live a life by values that I despise. But as I return to a position of clarity, I am struck with the insight of how testing life can be in maintaining a life that is true to one’s politics. Having radical politics, is more than reading the literature and attending the protests. Having radical politics means that with conviction, one’s politics run seamlessly through one’s life, as a benchmark, as a vision, as guidance with all the risks that this takes.
I am a radical feminist and an anarchist, yet 9-5 I was an employee, a tea girl, the office skivvy, the young one who does not know what she is talking about. I was a women who said yes sir no sir and stepped in line to work formality.
I was also the girlfriend to a woman who threatened me with violence and manipulated me with suicide, for a long time.
How did I allow myself to get in this situation?
I now know that life has a way of testing us. Learning feminist and anarchist theory does not do away with the conditioning I have had into believing that violence is an acceptable part of a relationship and that one must obey authority or else. Undoing this conditioning is a long and painful struggle of self-reflection and moving forward. Ending an abusive relationship was my way of affirming that violence is unacceptable and saying no to the lesson I was given in the past. Quitting my job was my way of rejecting subordination to authority and again saying no to the lesson I was given in the past.
Oppression works in deep ways. And it takes alot to break free. What helped me was conviction in my beliefs as informed by radical feminism, but more importantly the support of my family and friends. Strangely I’ve found that it has been the mundane and normal part of my life that has given me strength to live by my principles- my family, my friends (largely non-political) and doing normal stuff like watching TV, going shopping and going to the pub.
Over this last year I have learnt the meaning of ‘the personal’ being truely ‘political’ and the importance of drawing synthesis between my politics and the way I live my life. I no longer want to be a closet radical feminist and anarchist, whereby I relagate my politics to the evenings and weekends when I’m not at work. I no longer want to have the division between my ‘normal’ friends and my ‘activist’ friends- I want to be true with both. I want to be able to express my feminist sentiment with my straight friends, my anarchist sentiment with work colleagues, and likewise, my love for sex and the city, clothes shopping, and my latest crush with my activist friends.
When I used to do alot of feminist campaigning, I believed change came through grand actions and protests. I now see that change can occur in ways subtle and unnoticed in the lives of individuals but is just as important. Organising a protest is easy, but challenging your boss because she is a bullying classist bitch, is hard.
I wish to build a life for myself true to my beliefs. I long for the day where I don’t have to switch on my computer to feel connected with other women who feel the same. I feel life would be much easier if I had radical feminists I could call in on and say ‘Hiya, fancy a cup of tea..?’.